PASSION

Few emotions fascinate us more than romantic passion. Thousands of Web sites, infomercials, books, and magazine articles focus on how to create, maintain, or recapture passion. Feeling passion toward romantic partners seems almost obligatory in Western culture, and we often decide to discard relationships when passion fades (Berscheid & Regan, 2005). At the same time, most of us recognize that passion is fleeting and distressingly fragile (Berscheid, 2002).

Passion is a blended emotion, a combination of surprise and joy coupled with a number of positive feelings, such as excitement, amazement, and sexual attraction. People who elicit passion in us are those who communicate in ways that deviate from what we expect (triggering surprise and amazement), whom we interpret positively (generating joy and excitement), and whom we perceive as physically pleasing (leading to sexual attraction).

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If passion necessarily involves joy, excitement, and sexual attraction, why would we consider passion a challenging emotion? Because passion stems in large part from surprise. Consequently, the longer and better you know someone, the less passion you will experience toward that person on a daily basis (Berscheid, 2002). In the early stages of romantic involvements, our partners communicate in ways that are novel and positive. The first time our lovers invite us on a date, kiss us, or disclose their love, all are surprising events and intensely passionate. But as partners become increasingly familiar with each other, their communication and behavior do, too. Things that were once perceived as unique become predictable. Partners who have known each other intimately for years may be familiar with almost all the communication behaviors in each other’s repertoires (Berscheid, 2002). Consequently, the capacity to surprise partners in dramatic, positive, and unanticipated ways is diminished (Hatfield, Traupmann, & Sprecher, 1984).

Because passion derives from what we perceive as surprising, you can’t engineer a passionate evening by carefully negotiating a dinner or romantic rendezvous. You or your partner might experience passion if an event is truly unexpected, but jointly planning and then acting out a romantic candlelight dinner together or spending a weekend in seclusion cannot recapture passion for both you and your partner. When it comes to passion, the best you can hope for in long-term romantic relationships is a warm afterglow (Berscheid, 2002). However, this is not to say that you can’t maintain a happy and long-term romance; maintaining this kind of relationship requires strategies that we discuss in Chapter 10.

GRIEF

Carlos Arredondo and Lu Jun first met on a 2013 cruise honoring those impacted by the Boston Marathon bombings—including heroes, survivors, and their families. Jun lost his daughter, Lingzi, on that fateful April day; Arredondo is a civilian hero of the bombings who knows about loss from the deaths of his two sons—one from combat in Iraq and the other from suicide. Although they have little else in common, they share the bond of grief. As Arredondo noted: “Sometimes I don’t need to say anything to him. . . . I give him a hug, or touch his shoulders, or shake hands. We sit on the bus together. Hopefully that makes him feel comfort” (Wedge & Sherman, 2014). Arredondo and Jun were not the only ones who found comfort on the cruise. Other passengers had the opportunity to talk with one another about the Boston tragedy, the nightmares that still haunt them, and the ways in which their lives have been irreparably altered by loss—whether it be of loved ones, mobility, the ability to hear, or a general sense of safety and well-being. Arredondo explained: “There’s been a few moments where I shared my experience with some of them, and they help me out, to get it off my chest. And I’ve been listening to a few stories myself. I hope I help out as well. Like family. Like an old friend. It’s amazing how this works” (Wedge & Sherman, 2014).

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The intense sadness that follows a substantial loss, known as grief, is something each of us will experience. We can not maintain long-term, intimate involvements with other mortal beings without at some point losing loved ones to death. But grief isn’t only about mortality. You’re likely to experience grief in response to any type of major loss. This may include parental (or personal) divorce, physical disability due to injury (as was the case for many of the Boston Marathon victims), romantic relationship breakup, loss of a much-loved job, or even the destruction or misplacing of a valued object, such as an engagement ring or a treasured family heirloom.

Managing grief is enormously and uniquely taxing. Unlike other negative emotions such as anger, which is typically triggered by a onetime, short-lived event, grief stays with us for a long time—triggered repeatedly by experiences linked with the loss.

Managing Your Grief No magic pill can erase the suffering associated with a grievous loss. It seems ludicrous to think of applying strategies such as reappraisal, encounter structuring, or the Jefferson strategy to such pain. Grief is a unique emotional experience, and none of the emotion management strategies discussed in this chapter so far can help you.

Instead, you must use emotion-sharing: talking about your grief with others who are experiencing or have experienced similar pain, or people who are skilled at providing you with much-needed emotional support and comfort. Participating in a support group for people who have suffered similar losses can encourage you to share your emotions. When you share your grief, you feel powerfully connected with others, and this sense of connection can be a source of comfort, as it was for Arredondo, Jun, and the other cruise passengers whose lives were forever changed by tragedy and loss. You also gain affirmation that the grief process you’re experiencing is normal. For example, a fellow support-group participant who also lost his mother to cancer might tell you that he, too, finds Mother’s Day a particularly painful time. Finally, other participants in a support group can help you remember that grief does get gradually more bearable over time.

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For those of us without ready access to face-to-face support groups, online support offers a viable alternative. Besides not requiring transportation and allowing access to written records of any missed meetings, online support groups also provide a certain degree of anonymity for people who feel shy or uncomfortable within traditional group settings (Weinberg, Schmale, Uken, & Wessel, 1995). You can interact in a way that preserves some degree of privacy. This is an important advantage, as many people find it easier to discuss sensitive topics online than face-to-face, where they run the risk of embarrassment (Furger, 1996).

Comforting Others The challenges you face in helping others manage their grief are compounded by the popular tendency to use suppression for managing sadness. The decision to use suppression derives from the widespread belief that it’s important to maintain a stoic bearing, a “stiff upper lip,” during personal tragedies (Beach, 2002). However, a person who uses suppression to manage grief can end up experiencing stress-related disorders, such as chronic anxiety or depression. Also, the decision to suppress can lead even normally open and communicative people to stop talking about their feelings. This places you in the awkward position of trying to help others manage emotions that they themselves are unwilling to admit they are experiencing.

The best way you can help others manage their grief is to engage in supportive communication—sharing messages that express emotional support and that offer personal assistance (Burleson & MacGeorge, 2002). Competent support messages convey sincere expressions of sympathy and condolence, concern for the other person, and encouragement to express emotions. Incompetent support messages tell a person how he or she should feel or indicate that the individual is somehow inadequate or blameworthy. Communication scholar and social support expert Amanda Holmstrom offers seven suggestions for improving your supportive communication.⁴