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When Amy Chua’s Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother hit bookstores, a firestorm of controversy erupted regarding her parenting.¹ Chua boasts of never letting daughters Sophia and Lulu watch TV or play computer games, drilling them in piano and violin for hours daily, and demanding that they never get a grade below an A. Although Chua intended Tiger Mother to be humorous and satirical, critics decried her behavior as abusive. Blogger Betty Ming Liu even declared, “Parents like Amy Chua are the reason Asian-Americans like me are in therapy.” But Chua’s book is about more than just parenting rules; it’s a tale of power, conflict, and the negative outcomes of approaching disagreements destructively (Cullen, 2011).

Throughout her book, Chua describes her need to wield power over others. While on vacation in Greece, Chua demands that the entire family (including husband Jed and her parents) delay sightseeing of local ruins until after Lulu rehearses her violin. The marathon practice session that follows results in everyone missing their planned activities. “I wouldn’t wish the misery that followed on anyone,” Chua laments, not seeming to realize it was an outcome of her decision making (pp. 90–91).

Chua’s approach to conflict involves demanding that others do what she wants, then verbally abusing them if they don’t do so. When Lulu refuses to practice piano, Chua insults her for “being lazy, cowardly, self-indulgent, and pathetic!” When Jed intervenes, reminding her that Lulu has a different musical skill set than her prodigy sister, Sophia, Chua sarcastically snipes, “Even losers are special in their own special way” (pp. 60–61).

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The conflicts escalate for years, culminating in a public blowup at a restaurant. When Lulu refuses to try caviar, Chua taunts her: “There is nothing more common and low than an American teenager who won’t try things. You’re boring, Lulu—boring.” Lulu explodes, “I HATE YOU! You don’t love me. You make me feel bad about myself every second. You’ve wrecked my life. I can’t stand to be around you. You’re a terrible mother. You’re selfish. You don’t care about anyone but yourself!” Chua retaliates in kind, “You’re a terrible daughter!” (pp. 204–206).

Although Chua attributes her behavior to her Chinese heritage, research suggests otherwise. Temple University psychologist Laurence Steinberg studied thousands of Latino, Euro-, African, and Asian American families and found that authoritarian parents occur in all ethnic groups. Chinese caregivers are not more likely than others to aggressively abuse power or manage conflict by insulting others (Choi, 2011). Steinberg concludes, “One can’t talk about Chinese households as if there isn’t variability there . . . that can be misleading” (Choi, 2011, para. 13).

Managing conflict and power in Chua’s fashion leads to decidedly negative outcomes. Such behaviors within family settings elevate anxiety, depression, and psychosomatic problems, and children whose parents bully them are less self-assured and socially poised as a result. Late in her book, Chua seems to realize this as she reflects on the destructive legacy of her communication choices: “I don’t know how my daughters will look back on all this twenty years from now. Will they tell their own children, ‘My mother was a controlling fanatic who even in India made us practice before we could see Bombay and New Delhi?’ Or will they have softer memories?” (p. 91).

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It’s easy to read Amy Chua’s book, or watch videos of her appearance on The Colbert Report, and laugh at the extremity of her conflict style. Even she makes fun of the things she said and did while fighting with her daughters. But when we face a bullying parent, find ourselves locked in battle with a lover, or get trapped in an intractable disagreement with a friend, the pain becomes personal. The words people most commonly associate with interpersonal conflict are destruction, heartache, and hopelessness (Wilmot & Hocker, 2010).

Yet conflicts don’t have to be hopeless, because we’re not helpless. Each of us has the ability to choose constructive approaches to managing conflicts that will help create positive outcomes for everyone involved. In this chapter, we explore interpersonal conflict and how best to manage it. You’ll learn: