In this book, I define nonverbal communication as the intentional or unintentional transmission of meaning through an individual’s nonspoken physical and behavioral cues (Patterson, 1995). This definition embraces both intentional and unintentional nonverbal behaviors as communication. Sometimes we do things like yawn, sigh, or grimace and mean nothing by them. But others may interpret these behaviors as acts of communication, and this perception may lead them to respond in ways that affect us, our interpersonal communication, and our relationships. A boss who catches you yawning may express concern that you’re “not paying attention,” even though you’re closely attending to your work. At other times, we intentionally craft nonverbal behaviors to communicate information to others. We add frowning emoticons to texts, Facebook messages, and e-mails to show family members we’re sad, or we look at coworkers to signal we’re ready for meetings. We touch other people to signal sympathy or affection, and move closer or farther away from them to indicate intimacy or emotional distance. We arrange and light our offices and homes to convey power or peacefulness, dress and groom ourselves to communicate casualness or formality, and don artifacts such as jewelry and watches to display status and wealth.

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As you might have gathered, nonverbal communication differs greatly from verbal communication. Let’s take a closer look at the key distinctions between nonverbal and verbal forms of expression.

NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION USES MULTIPLE CHANNELS

In contrast with verbal communication, which we transmit through a single channel at a time (the human voice when speaking; written text when online), our nonverbal messages are expressed through multiple channels simultaneously—such as auditory, visual, and tactile. When you talk with a good friend, for example, you simultaneously listen to your friend’s tone of voice (auditory); watch your friend’s facial expressions, use of eye contact, and hand gestures (visual); and perhaps even touch and receive touch from your friend (tactile). What’s more, you do this while also listening to and making sense of your friend’s verbal communication.

NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION IS MORE AMBIGUOUS

Nonverbal meanings are more flexible and ambiguous than verbal meanings. A smile can express comfort or contempt, just as a shared glance can convey intimacy or warning—depending on the situation. The ambiguity of nonverbal messages can pose difficulties for interpersonal communication and relationships. For instance, suppose a friend you suspect of harboring romantic feelings for you gives you an extra-long hug. Is he or she just being friendly or signaling romantic interest?

NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION HAS FEWER RULES

Nonverbal communication is more ambiguous than verbal communication because it is governed by fewer rules. As you saw in Chapter 7, you learn literally thousands of constitutive and regulative rules regarding grammar, spelling, pronunciation, and meaning as you master your first and any additional languages. But consider how rarely you’ve been instructed in the use of nonverbal communication. To be sure, nonverbal rules do exist, such as “Raise your hand if you want to be called on.” However, most of these rules are informal norms—for instance, “It’s not polite to stare at people.”

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NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION HAS MORE MEANING

When we interact with others, we often deduce more meaning from people’s nonverbal communication than from their verbal, and we convey more meaning to them through our nonverbal than through our verbal. Suppose you meet someone new at a party and find yourself intrigued. To assess the person’s attractiveness, you probably gather a lot more information from his or her facial expressions, eye contact, posture, gestures, vocal tone, clothing, and other nonverbal signals than you do from the person’s words. This is particularly true during first encounters because nonverbal communication has a greater impact on our overall impressions of attractiveness than does verbal communication (Zuckerman, Miyake, & Hodgins, 1991).

Our reliance on nonverbal communication escalates even higher when people display mixed messages, verbal and nonverbal behaviors that convey contradictory meanings (Burgoon & Hoobler, 2002). A friend says she “isn’t sad,” but her slumped shoulders and downturned mouth suggest otherwise. In such cases, we almost always trust the nonverbal messages over the verbal ones. In contrast, when verbal and nonverbal messages align (“Yes, I’m sad” coupled with slumped shoulders and frown), the amount of attention we pay to verbal communication rises (Burgoon & Hoobler, 2002).

NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION IS INFLUENCED BY CULTURE

Nonverbal communication and culture are inextricably linked, in ways we will discuss throughout this chapter. You can wrinkle your brow, use a hand gesture, or speak loudly to make a point, but if people in the culture surrounding you don’t understand your behavior, you haven’t communicated your message. Consider cultural differences in the meaning of eye contact, for example (Chen & Starosta, 2005). In the United States and Canada, it’s considered impolite or even offensive for men to gaze openly at women, but in Italy, people view it as perfectly appropriate. Middle Easterners view gazing as a sign of respect during conversation, but Cambodians see direct eye contact as insulting and an invasion of privacy. Euro-Americans use more eye contact when they’re listening than when they’re talking, but for African Americans, the opposite often is true.

The tight link between culture and nonverbal communication makes cross-cultural communication difficult to master. Sure, the nonverbal symbols used in different cultures are easy enough to learn. But familiarity with the full tapestry of cues—perception of touch, appropriateness of gaze, facial expressions—takes much longer. Most people need many years of immersion in a culture before they fully understand the meanings of that culture’s nonverbal communication (Chen & Starosta, 2005).

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NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION IS INFLUENCED BY GENDER

Try Googling “men and women’s body language,” and see what pops up. You’ll receive millions of results. Most are self-help or advice sites that focus on how to tell whether men and women are romantically attracted to you. If you skim through these, you’ll see a theme about gender repeatedly expressed: women are better at nonverbal communication than men are. For example, AskMen.com declares, “Women are MUCH better at reading body language than men!” Learnbodylanguage.org claims that women “send five times more body language messages than men,” and that their superior nonverbal skills are “engrained in women’s DNA from millions of female ancestors dealing with men.”

Although online content regarding interpersonal communication and relationships is often inaccurate and stereotypical (like the preceding examples), in the case of gender and nonverbal communication, some posts on popular Web sites are derived from research. Psychologist Judith Hall has examined data from hundreds of gender studies (Hall, Carter, & Horgan, 2000). Her findings suggest four consistent patterns, the first of which matches common wisdom: women are better than men at both sending and receiving nonverbal messages (although there’s no evidence to suggest that they send “five times more” messages!). Women surpass men at nonverbally communicating in ways receivers can correctly interpret, and women are more accurate than men in their interpretations of others’ nonverbal expressions.

Second, women show greater facial expressiveness than men, and they smile more. The difference in smiling stems in part from cultural expectations that women should exhibit only positive and pleasant nonverbal expressions (Spender, 1990). Third, women gaze more at others during interpersonal interactions. This is especially apparent within same-gender conversations, in which mutual gaze occurs much more often between females than between males.

Finally, men are more territorial than women. Men maintain more physical space between themselves and others during encounters. Women tolerate more intrusion into their personal space, give way to others more frequently if space is scarce, and try to take up less space than do men. Women also adopt closer conversational distances during same-gender encounters than do men, prefer side-by-side seating more than men, and perceive crowded situations more favorably.

You can use your knowledge of these differences to improve your nonverbal skills. When interacting with men, be aware that they may prefer greater conversational distance and a less direct gaze than women, and take pains to convey nonverbal messages as clearly as possible. During encounters with women, don’t be surprised if they adopt a closer conversational distance, and be sensitive to their likely preference for a more direct gaze and more frequent eye contact. Failing to recognize these differences may result in frustration or misunderstandings.

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NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION IS LIBERATED THROUGH TECHNOLOGY

When I walked into the kitchen and found my two youngest sons giggling, I knew they’d been up to something. “What were you doing?” I asked. “Come see!” they gleefully invited. Walking over, I found them watching themselves on YouTube. They had posted a music video of their own creation. The clip was almost entirely nonverbal: it showed them dancing wildly, waving their hands in the air, making funny faces, and pretending (badly) to sing. When I asked them why they had created the video, they said, “Because we want our friends who are gone for the summer to be able to see us!” Sure enough, the rest of the evening was spent checking the number of “views” they had received, and texting their vacationing friends regarding the video.

As recently as 20 years ago, our ability to communicate nonverbally was radically restricted by technology. Phone calls limited us to vocal cues, and communicating on the computer meant seeing words on a screen—nothing else. Only one option existed for experiencing the full tapestry of nonverbal communication: face-to-face interaction. But now, nonverbal communication has been liberated through technology. We can upload and download photos and video clips on our devices. We can interact “face-to-face” through Skype or other webcam programs with loved ones who are separated from us by distance. We can podcast, stream videos, or post photos of ourselves on Instagram, Imgur, or Flickr—then alert all our friends via e-mail, Twitter, texts, and Facebook that our content is available for viewing. As of 2015, over 6 billion hours of video are viewed each month on YouTube (“YouTube Statistics,” n.d.).

This shift from technological restriction to liberation has created two notable outcomes. First, whereas we used to have just two communication modes—face-to-face interaction or methods with limited nonverbal content (such as phone calls or text-only online messages)—now we can choose various media that let us hear and see others when interacting. Second, we can use these media to better maintain intimate, long-distance relationships. A generation ago, soldiers stationed overseas waited a week (or more) to receive written letters from loved ones back home. Now they can exchange messages rich with verbal and nonverbal expressions in real time via the Web. Like my sons and their YouTube video, friends separated by distance—through summer vacations or unanticipated relocations—can also maintain intimate connections through frequent sharing of video clips and photos.

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NONVERBAL AND VERBAL COMBINE TO CREATE COMMUNICATION

Despite the differences between verbal and nonverbal forms of expression, and the weight we give nonverbal communication when sending and receiving information, both forms are essential. When we interact with others, our verbal and nonverbal behaviors combine to create meaning (Jones & LeBaron, 2002). In everyday encounters, verbal and nonverbal communication are not experienced or expressed separately but are used jointly to create interpersonal communication (Birdwhistell, 1970). Keep this in mind: your skill as a nonverbal communicator goes hand in hand with your skill as a verbal communicator, so you need both to communicate competently.