Chapter 1. Choosing between Friends

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Choosing between Friends

Activity Objective:

In this activity, you will create your own solution to a difficult relationship problem. You will walk step-by-step through a realistic scenario—critically self-reflecting, considering another person’s perspective, determining best outcomes, and identifying potential roadblocks—and make decisions about how to react.

Maintaining friendships can be challenging. But when a close friend changes in ways that put her at odds with your other friends, you may be forced to choose between them. To understand how you might competently manage such a relationship challenge, read the case study in Part 2; then, drawing on all you know about interpersonal communication, work through the problem-solving model in Part 3.

For years you’ve hung around with the same group of friends. Your ringleader is Karina. She’s brilliant and beautiful. She always dresses immaculately, with perfect hair, nails, and makeup. She has a caustic wit and enjoys mocking other people’s fashion sense.

But Karina has another side: she is deeply caring. When your Mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer, your other friends avoided visiting. Not Karina. She hung out with your Mom for hours, cracking jokes and sharing funny YouTube videos. After your mother died, it was Karina who supported you in your grief.

One night, Karina gathers everyone together and announces, “Guess what!? I’m joining the Peace Corps!” Your friend John breaks the bewildered silence by joking, “Yeah, right! Who’s gonna do your nails!?” Everyone laughs except Karina. She’s serious.

Karina serves for two years as a youth development coordinator in Malawi. You hear from her occasionally through e-mail. She shares with you the difficulties of her assignments, the kindness of the people, and the beauty of the landscape. During her absence, you remain close to your other friends—partying, shopping, and taking classes together.

Then Karina is back! Meeting her at the airport, you’re staggered by her appearance. She has lost 20 pounds and wears no makeup. She is unusually quiet, and, as time passes, it’s clear that Karina has changed. Gone is the glam girl who tossed nasty and hilarious remarks at people. Instead, she is thoughtful and pensive. Rather than partying or shopping, she spends her free time volunteering at a homeless shelter.

You’re not sure what to make of her. On the one hand, she’s a nicer person than before and always available for support. On the other hand, she is so serious all the time! And she seems really uncomfortable around your other friends. Does she still care about you? Is she still interested in being your friend?

Although you’re on the fence, your friends are unanimous: they can’t stand the “new” Karina. One night John hosts a party, and Karina again opts to skip. The gathering quickly devolves into a “hate on Karina” fest. One by one, everyone vents their dislike of her “ugly new look” and how “quiet and boring she is.” Everyone (except you) agrees the time has come to cut her from the group. You remain silent until John notices and asks, “You’re awfully quiet. What do you think?”

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Think about all you’ve learned thus far about interpersonal communication. Then work through the following five steps. Remember, there are no “right” answers, so think hard about what is the best choice!

Question

Watch this video in which Karina tells her side of the case study story. As in many real-life situations, this is information to which you did not have access when you were initially crafting your response to John in Part 3. The video reminds us that even when we do our best to offer competent responses, there always is another side to the story that we need to consider.

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Think about the new information offered in Karina’s side of the story and all you’ve learned about interpersonal communication. Drawing upon this knowledge, revisit your earlier responses in Part 3 and assess your own interpersonal communication competence.

Question

Step 2: Evaluate Effectiveness

Being an effective interpersonal communicator means using your communication to accomplish self-presentational, instrumental, and relational goals. How effective was your response to John in dealing with the situation, helping to sustain and improve your relationship with Karina, and presenting yourself as a good friend? Rate your effectiveness on a scale of 1 to 7, where “1” is least effective and “7” is most effective.

Step 3: Evaluate Ethics

Being an ethical communicator means treating others with respect, honesty, and kindness. Given this, how ethical was your response to John? Rate your ethics on a scale of 1 to 7, where “1” is least ethical and “7” is most ethical.

Step 4: What Would You Do Differently?