Chapter 1. Listening When You Don’t Want To
Introduction
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Listening When You Don’t Want To
Activity Objective:
In this activity, you will create your own solution to a difficult relationship problem. You will walk step-by-step through a realistic scenario—critically self-reflecting, considering another person’s perspective, determining best outcomes, and identifying potential roadblocks—and make decisions about how to react.
Click the forward and backward arrows to navigate through the slides. You may also click the above outline button to see an overview of all the slides in this activity.
1.1 1 Background
One of the most difficult listening situations you will face is when you feel obligated to listen to information that makes you uncomfortable. To understand how you might competently manage such a relationship challenge, read the case study in Part 2; then, drawing on all you know about interpersonal communication, work through the problem-solving model in Part 3.
1.2 2 Case Study
Growing up, you and your twin sister, Ana, were extremely close. As you’ve gotten older, however, the differences between you two have widened. Ana is a free spirit and never sticks with anything—be it a college major or a romantic interest—for very long. You are much more concerned with conventional notions of success. You plan to finish your degree in four years, have a steady paycheck and a mortgage, and get married before you turn 30.
Lately, you and Ana have been arguing about Ana’s friendship with Seneca. You find Seneca to be organized and ambitious, qualities that you hope rub off on Ana. But you still find yourself uncomfortable and awkward around Seneca. Ana says that it’s because Seneca is a lesbian and that you have “old-fashioned” values. You get mad at Ana for saying this, but afterward you start to question why you felt defensive against Ana’s accusation.
Over the past few months, you’ve started to wonder if Ana might have a romantic interest in Seneca. On several occasions, it seemed as if she wanted to start a conversation with you about this, but in each case, you’ve dodged the topic or come up with a reason not to listen.
You and Ana are both home on break. One night, Seneca calls the home phone because Ana’s cell-phone battery is dead. You yell upstairs to Ana to pick up the cordless phone in her bedroom, but instead of hanging up the other line, you listen in. You know you shouldn’t, but your curiosity gets the best of you. After a few minutes, it becomes clear that Ana and Seneca are lovers. What’s more, their conversation centers around their decision to move in together after break.
Coming downstairs after the call, Ana finds you in shock. She says, “You should know that I’m moving into Seneca’s apartment next semester. She needs a roommate, and I was looking for a place to live anyway.”
A million things race through your mind, including your sister’s secrecy in not telling you the truth about her relationship with Seneca. Do you tell her you know the truth, even though it will reveal your eavesdropping, and attack her decision? offer support and tell her that you’re finally ready to listen to her? refuse to listen altogether and change the topic? Seeing your face, Ana scowls and angrily snaps, “Did you hear me? What’s your problem!?”
1.3 3 Your Turn
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Think about all you’ve learned thus far about interpersonal communication. Then work through the following five steps. Remember, there are no “right” answers, so think hard about what is the best choice!
Question
Step 1: Reflect on yourself.
Step 2: Reflect on your partner.
Step 3: Identify the optimal outcome.
Step 4: Locate the roadblocks.
Step 5: Chart your course.
1.4 4 The Other Side
Watch this video in which Ana tells her side of the case study story. As in many real-life situations, this is information to which you did not have access when you were initially crafting your response in Part 3. The video reminds us that even when we do our best to offer competent responses, there always is another side to the story that we need to consider.
Download the Transcript
1.5 5 Interpersonal Competence Self-Assessment
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Think about the new information offered in Ana’s side of the story and all you’ve learned about interpersonal communication. Drawing upon this knowledge, revisit your earlier responses in Part 3 and assess your own interpersonal communication competence.
Step 1: Evaluate Appropriateness
Being an appropriate interpersonal communicator means matching your communication to situational, relational, and cultural expectations regarding how people should communicate. How appropriate was your response to Ana, given the situation, the history you two share, and your relationship with her? Rate your appropriateness on a scale of 1 to 7, where “1” is least appropriate and “7” is most appropriate.
Question
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Step 2: Evaluate Effectiveness
Being an effective interpersonal communicator means using your communication to accomplish self-presentational, instrumental, and relational goals. How effective was your response in dealing with the situation, helping to sustain and improve your relationship with Ana, and presenting yourself as a caring sibling? Rate your effectiveness on a scale of 1 to 7, where “1” is least effective and “7” is most effective.
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Step 3: Evaluate Ethics
Being an ethical communicator means treating others with respect, honesty, and kindness. Given this, how ethical was your response to Ana? Rate your ethics on a scale of 1 to 7, where “1” is least ethical and “7” is most ethical.
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Step 4: What Would You Do Differently?