This section compares Jean Brandt’s first draft of “Calling Home” to her final revised draft.

1

It was two days before Christmas and my older sister and brother, my grandmother, and I were rushing around doing last-minute shopping. After going to a few stores we decided to go to Lakewood Center shopping mall. It was packed with other frantic shoppers like ourselves from one end to the other. The first store we went to (the first and last for me) was the General Store. The General Store is your typical gift shop. They mainly have the cutesy knick-knacks, posters, frames and that sort. The store is decorated to resemble an old-time western general store but the appearance doesn’t quite come off.

2

We were all browsing around and I saw a basket of buttons so I went to see what the different ones were. One of the first ones I noticed was a Snoopy button. I’m not sure what it said on it, something funny I’m sure and besides I was in love with anything Snoopy when I was 13. I took it out of the basket and showed it to my sister and she said “Why don’t you buy it?” I thought about it but the lines at the cashiers were outrageous and I didn’t think it was worth it for a 75 cent item. Instead I figured just take it and I did. I thought I was so sly about it. I casually slipped it into my pocket and assumed I was home free since no one pounced on me.

3

Everyone was ready to leave this shop so we made our way through the crowds to the entrance. My grandmother and sister were ahead of my brother and I. They were almost to the entrance of May Co. and we were about 5 to 10 yards behind when I felt this tap on my shoulder. I turned around already terror struck, and this man was flashing some kind of badge in my face. It happened so fast I didn’t know what was going on. Louie finally noticed I wasn’t with him and came back for me. Jack explained I was being arrested for shoplifting and if my parents were here then Louie should go find them. Louie ran to get Susie and told her about it but kept it from Grandma.

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4

By the time Sue got back to the General Store I was in the back office and Jack was calling the police. I was a little scared but not really. It was sort of exciting. My sister was telling me to try and cry but I couldn’t. About 20 minutes later two cops came and handcuffed me, led me through the mall outside to the police car. I was kind of embarrassed when they took me through the mall in front of all those people. When they got me in the car they began questioning me, while driving me to the police station. Questions just to fill out the report — age, sex, address, color of eyes, etc.

5

Then when they were finished they began talking about Jack and what a nuisance he was. I gathered that Jack had every single person who shoplifted, no matter what their age, arrested. The police were getting really fed up with it because it was a nuisance for them to have to come way out to the mall for something as petty as that. To hear the police talk about my “crime” that way felt good because it was like what I did wasn’t really so bad. It made me feel a bit relieved. When we walked into the station I remember the desk sergeant joking with the arresting officers about “well we got another one of Jack’s hardened criminals.” Again, I felt my crime lacked any seriousness at all.

6

Next they handcuffed me to a table and questioned me further and then I had to phone my mom. That was the worst. I never was so humiliated in my life. Hearing the disappointment in her voice was worse punishment than the cops could ever give me.

Brandt was confident in her choice of a topic. She was sure she could recall enough details to make the story dramatic and was confident it would resonate with readers: “I think many of my readers will be able to identify with my story, even though they won’t admit it.” Most importantly, Brandt had no doubt that the event was significant:

Being arrested for shoplifting was significant because it changed some of my basic attitudes. Since that night I’ve never again considered stealing anything. This event would reveal how my attitude toward the law has changed from disrespectful to very respectful.

However, as you compare the following excerpts from her first and last drafts, you will see that Brandt’s understanding of the underlying conflict and the event’s significance evolved. Initially, she thought the conflict would be about respecting the law. But her first draft doesn’t even hint at this conflict and the final draft barely mentions it.

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The first draft does not show that Brandt had been conflicted about breaking the law before she stole the button or that she felt guilty afterward. In fact, her only remembered thought or feeling is pride at having pulled it off so neatly: “I thought I was so sly about it” (par. 2). The final draft is not very different, although it does add both a momentary hesitation before and some reflection afterward. But notice her choice of words: she uses clichés (“there was no turning back” and “what was done was done”) that neither express guilt nor repentance.

It took some effort and a little help from her instructor for Brandt to realize that she was not really passionate about the conflict she had thought was at the heart of her story and that her strongest, most heartfelt emotions had to do with her mother’s disappointment, not with the abstract idea of respecting the law. Pointing out that the first draft ended with a brief but powerful description of Brandt’s phone conversation with her mother (“Hearing the disappointment in her voice was worse punishment than the cops could ever give me”), her instructor urged Brandt to try to dramatize the scene by adding dialogue, specific description, and an action sequence.