The second relational dialectic is autonomy versus connection. People form close relationships mostly out of a desire to bond with other human beings. Yet if you come to feel so connected to your partners that your own identity seems to dissolve, you may choose to pull back and reclaim some of your autonomy, or independence.

The tension between autonomy versus connection is especially pronounced in romantic and family relationships. When you’re in a romantic relationship and enter the integrating stage (see Chapter 9), family members, friends, and colleagues start treating you as a couple—for example, always inviting the two of you to social events. This may cause you to start wondering if you have an identity separate from that of your partner. As a student of ours once told his partner when describing this feeling, “I’m not me anymore; I’m us.”

As with openness versus protection, honest discussion of the issue and relationship rules can help people better balance autonomy versus connection. For instance, a couple may establish a weekly “date night” to reinforce their connection to each other as well as a weekly “me night,” during which each person can get together with other friends or spend time on a hobby or another interest.

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Within families, managing autonomy versus connection is even harder. As children move through their teen years, they begin to assert their independence from parents (Crosnoe & Cavanagh, 2010). Their peers eventually replace parents and other family members as having the most influence on their interpersonal decisions (Golish, 2000). This pulling away from the family can be difficult for parents or caregivers, who have come to count on the connection with their children.

Connections with family can also cause stress when family members seem blind to who you really are. For example, suppose your mother still treats you as the baby of the family when you get together with older siblings during the holidays—even though you’re in your 20s or 30s. In this case, you may want to try spending some time alone with her, discussing your latest professional achievements. This will help remind her that you’re not only “her baby” but also an independent, successful adult.