Marriage, the Family, and Sexuality

The Sunni aphorism “There shall be no monkery in Islam” captures the importance of marriage in Muslim culture and the Muslim belief that a sexually frustrated person is dangerous to the community. Islam had no roles for the celibate. In the Muslim world, as in China, every man and woman is expected to marry unless physically incapable or financially unable. Marriage is seen as a safeguard of virtue, essential to the stability both of the family and of society.

As in medieval Europe and traditional India and China, marriage in Muslim society was considered too important an undertaking to be left to the romantic emotions of the young. Families or guardians, not the prospective bride and groom, identified suitable partners and finalized the contract. The official wedding ceremony consisted of an offer and its acceptance by representatives of the bride’s and groom’s parents at a meeting before witnesses. A wedding banquet at which men and women feasted separately followed; the quality of the celebration, of the gifts, and of the food depended on the relative wealth of the two families. Because it was absolutely essential that the bride be a virgin, marriages were arranged shortly after the onset of the girl’s menstrual period at age twelve or thirteen. Husbands were commonly ten to fifteen years older. Youthful marriages ensured a long period of fertility.

A wife’s responsibilities depended on the wealth and occupation of her husband. A farmer’s wife helped in the fields, ground the corn, carried water, prepared food, and did the myriad tasks necessary in rural life. Shopkeepers’ wives in the cities sometimes helped in business. In an upper-class household, the wife supervised servants, looked after all domestic arrangements, and did whatever was needed for her husband’s comfort.

In every case, children were the wife’s special domain. A mother exercised authority over her children and enjoyed their respect. A Muslim tradition asserts that “paradise is at the mother’s feet.” Thus, as in Chinese culture, the prestige of the young wife depended on the production of children — especially sons — as rapidly as possible. A wife’s failure to have children was one of the main reasons for a man to divorce his wife or take a second wife.

Like the Jewish tradition, Muslim law permits divorce. The law prescribes that if a man intends to divorce his wife, he should avoid hasty action and not have intercourse with her for three months; it is hoped that during that time they will reconcile. If the woman turns out to be pregnant, her husband knows that he is the father. Although divorce is allowed, it is not encouraged. One commentator cited the Prophet as saying, “The lawful thing which God hates most is divorce.”3

In contrast to the traditional Christian view of sexual activity as inherently shameful and only a cure for lust even within marriage, Islam maintains a healthy acceptance of sexual pleasure for both males and females. The Qur’an permits a man to have four wives, provided that all are treated justly. Some modern Muslim commentators link this provision to a surplus of women that resulted from the wars during the Prophet’s lifetime. The vast majority of Muslim males were monogamous because only the wealthy could afford to support more than one wife.