Defensive Listening

In the romantic comedy-drama He’s Just Not That Into You, Gigi repeatedly misinterprets the behavior of her romantic partners and ignores the advice of her friends. They communicate with her through words and nonverbal behaviors, but she fails to listen and process them effectively. Instead, Gigi constantly makes up excuses to defend herself in order to fend off her feelings of rejection. Gigi is guilty of defensive listening, arguing with the speaker (sometimes with aggression) without fully listening to the message. Although defensive listening is an understandable response when there is a history of disrespect or aggression, it is not productive because defensive responses frequently beget defensive comments.

We’ve all been in situations where someone seems to be confronting us about an unpleasant topic. But if you respond with aggressiveness and argue before completely listening to the speaker, you’ll experience more anxiety, probably because you anticipate not being effective in the listening encounter (Schrodt & Wheeless, 2001). If you find yourself listening defensively, consider the tips shown in Table 6.2.

Table :

TABLE 6.2 STEPS TO AVOID DEFENSIVE LISTENING
Tip Example
Hear the speaker out Don’t rush into an argument without knowing the other person’s position. Wait for the speaker to finish before constructing your own arguments.
Consider the speaker’s motivations Think of the speaker’s reasons for saying what is being said. The person may be tired, ill, or frustrated. Don’t take it personally.
Use nonverbal communication Take a deep breath and smile slightly (but sincerely) at the speaker. Your disarming behavior may be enough to force the speaker to speak more reasonably.
Provide calm feedback After the speaker finishes, repeat what you think was said and ask if you understood the message correctly. Often a speaker on the offensive will back away from an aggressive stance when confronted with an attempt at understanding.