LearningCurve can help you master the material in this chapter. Go to the LearningCurve for this chapter.

Students don’t need to be told that kids can be mean. They’ve all seen a fellow student being harassed, physically or verbally, by a classmate. Some may have even been the target of a bully at some point in their lives. Others may have been the tormenters themselves. And every few months, a news report sounds the alarm about a growing epidemic of bullying: stories of heartbreaking child suicides and chilling school shootings detail the torments some teenagers inflict on others and the lengths to which some victims will go to escape. By 2014, laws or policies against bullying were on the books of each of the fifty states (StopBullyingNow.gov). Many schools adopted “zero tolerance” policies, which prescribe automatic and severe punishments for students who exhibit any violent or bullying behavior (American Psychological Association, 2008).

Is every mean word or act of aggression an example of bullying? Probably not. As Emily Bazelon, journalist and author of the book, Sticks and Stones: Defeating the Culture of Bullying and Rediscovering the Power of Character and Empathy, points out, the word bullying is itself being abused—applied to any and all acts of aggression or insensitivity that come up between children rather than to long-or short-term patterns of abuse by popular or powerful children over weaker ones. In many cases, incidents labeled as bullying, including fights and online attacks, are really two-way conflicts in which both students play a role (Yoffe, 2013). “Most teenagers can identify bullying,” Bazelon notes, “but they can also distinguish it from what they often call ‘drama,’ which . . . is an accurate and common name for the ordinary skirmishes that mark most children’s lives. In fact, it’s drama that’s common, and bullying, properly defined, that’s less so” (Bazelon, 2013).

Dealing with conflict—be it with a romantic partner, a family member, a colleague, a classmate, or an institution—can be hard. Some avoid it altogether, whereas others lash out aggressively, in person or via social media. But there is also a middle ground that falls between covering our ears and posting aggressive comments in a public forum. There are also lots of ways in which we may not only manage conflict but also grow and learn from it. In this chapter, we’ll take a look at some of the root causes of conflict and examine the ways in which we engage in conflict with others. We’ll then consider productive ways in which to manage conflict and reconcile our relationships.