BACKGROUND

Maintaining friendships across time and distance is difficult. But when a close friend changes in ways that puts her at odds with your other friends, you may be forced to choose between them. To understand how you might manage such a relationship challenge, read the case study and work through the five steps under Your Turn.

CASE STUDY

For years you’ve hung with the same group of close friends. Your ringleader is Karina. She’s brilliant, charismatic, and beautiful. She always dresses immaculately, with perfect hair, nails, and makeup. She has a caustic wit, and enjoys mocking people.

But Karina has another side. Although she acts materialistic and superficial, she is also deeply caring. When your Mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer, your other friends became uncomfortable and avoided visiting. Not Karina. She hung with your Mom for hours, cracking jokes and sharing funny YouTube videos. After your mother died, it was Karina who supported you in your grief.

One night, Karina gathers everyone together, promising a “shocking announcement.” She then says, “Guess what!? I’m joining the Peace Corps!” Your friend John breaks the bewildered silence by joking, “Yeah, right! Who’s gonna do your nails!?” Everyone laughs, except Karina. She’s serious.

Karina serves for two years as a youth development coordinator in Peru. She’s thrilled, as her ancestry is Peruvian. You hear from her regularly through e-mails and handwritten letters. She shares with you the difficulties of her assignments, the kindness of the people, and the breathtaking beauty of the mountains. During her absence, you remain close to your other friends: partying, shopping, and taking classes together.

Then Karina is back! Meeting her at the airport, you’re staggered by her appearance. She has lost 20 pounds, wears no makeup, and her hair is wild! But there’s a twinkle in her eye, and she is happy.

As time passes, it’s clear that Karina has changed. Gone is the glam girl who tossed nasty remarks at people she judged inferior. She’s quiet and pensive. Rather than partying or shopping, she spends her free time volunteering at a homeless shelter. You come to adore the “new” Karina, as she always makes time for you, offering keen insights and supportive words whenever you bring a problem to her.

Your friends feel the opposite. One night John hosts a party, and Karina again opts to skip. The gathering quickly devolves into a “hate on Karina” fest. One by one, everyone vents their dislike of her “ugly new look,” her “weird perspective,” and how “quiet and boring she is.” Everyone (except you) agrees the time has come to cut her from the group. You remain silent, until John notices, and asks, “You’re awfully quiet—what do you think?”

YOUR TURN

Think about the interpersonal communication concepts, skills, and insights you have learned while reading this book, especially this chapter. Try to keep all of this in mind while working through the following five steps, which will help you become aware of how you can make better interpersonal communication choices in your relationships. Remember, there are no right answers, so think hard about what choice you will make! (P.S. Need help? See the Helpful Concepts listed below.)

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