BACKGROUND

Managing your anger and providing supportive communication are two skills that can clash when you’re trying to support someone who is making you angry. Read the case study, and work through the five steps under Your Turn to learn how you might competently deal with this situation.

CASE STUDY

You’re the oldest sibling in a close family in which everyone freely expresses their emotions and often talks about daily events. Of all your siblings, you seem to share an especially close bond with John, the youngest. When John accepts a job offer out of state, you’re sad to see him go, but you’re excited for his future and take comfort in the daily texts and e-mails you exchange.

Shortly after John moves away, your grandmother has a heart attack. Doctors initially think she will make a full recovery, so you e-mail John and tell him not to worry. However, her condition suddenly worsens, and she passes away. Everyone is grief-stricken, but John is devastated. He is the only one in your immediate family who didn’t see her before she died. John was very close to her because she took care of him during much of his childhood when your mom went back to school.

When John arrives for the funeral, he seems sullen and bitter. But so much is going on that you don’t get a chance to talk with him at length. Before you know it, he has left. Following the funeral, John rebuffs your attempts to communicate with him. He doesn’t return your texts, and after several messages he finally e-mails you, “leave me alone!” You become increasingly worried about how he is dealing with his grief. You leave John a voice mail telling him that you’re coming to visit. Despite receiving no response, you opt to go anyway.

Arriving after several hours of grueling travel, you are shocked to find John unwelcoming. Scowling, he says, “What are you doing here? I thought I told you to leave me alone.” You start getting angry. After all, you spent a good portion of your savings to get here, and you made the trip out of love and concern for John. As you try to manage your anger by using the Jefferson strategy, John attacks: “Oh, I get it. This is the big ‘ease your conscience’ trip. You figure that if you comfort me, I’ll feel better about you lying to me about Grandma’s condition. Well, it’s not going to work. I didn’t get to see her before she died and it’s your fault, so why don’t you take your self-serving concern and go home!” He slams the door in your face.

You’re left standing on the porch, furious. Do you make the several-hour trip home, heeding John’s request even though you know he said it out of anger? Or do you pursue your original plan of trying to help John deal with his grief?

YOUR TURN

While working through the following steps, keep in mind the interpersonal communication concepts, skills, and insights you’ve learned so far in this book, especially this chapter. Also remember: there are no right answers, so think hard about the choice you make! (P.S. Need help? Review the Helpful Concepts listed below.)

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