BACKGROUND

Conflict poses complex challenges for your interpersonal communication and relationships. But when you throw in parental expectations, power differences between generations, and the emotional connections within families, effectively managing conflict becomes even more difficult. To see how you would deal with family conflict, read the case study and work through the five steps under Your Turn.

CASE STUDY

Your parents are “old school” in their views of parental power: they believe that children should show deference to elders without exception. Although you’re still in college, your brother Sanjay is much older and has a family of his own, including a teenage son, Devdas. You love your brother dearly, and get along well with Devdas, but Devdas is going through a rebellious phase in which he shows little respect for authority figures.

Your parents decide to spend a week with Sanjay and his family. You’re nervous, because your father delights in picking on Devdas about his hair, clothing, and music, and given Devdas’s recent attitude, you’re afraid he may lash back. Sure enough, toward the end of the week, you get a phone call. It’s your father, and he tells you that he and your mother ended their visit early, and that he wishes no further contact with your brother or his family. He says that Devdas “swore at him for no reason at all.” He tells you, “I have no interest in associating with people who raise children to behave like that.” When you ask whether he provoked Devdas, your father angrily responds, “I did nothing wrong! Are you taking his side?”

Shortly after, you get an e-mail from your brother. He says that your father is delusional and “made the whole thing up.” Chatting online, you ask Sanjay whether Devdas might have cussed at your dad. “Absolutely not,” your brother fires back, “Devdas doesn’t even know such words; how can you ask that?!”

As the weeks go by, the rift deepens. Your brother refuses to talk with your father until he apologizes. Your father refuses contact with your brother until “he admits his son’s wrongdoing!” Poisoning the relationship further, Devdas’s birthday comes and goes, without a call or gift from the grandparents. Now, with the holidays approaching, both parties are pressuring you to choose sides. Sanjay demands that you “stand with him” against your father and says that “you’re no longer family if you don’t.” Your father tells you, “If you continue to support Sanjay in this shameful matter, I will be forced to rethink my financial support for your education.”

YOUR TURN

While working through the following steps, keep in mind the concepts, skills, and insights you’ve learned so far in this book, especially in this chapter. Also remember: there are no right answers, so think hard about the choice you make! (Review the Helpful Concepts listed below.)

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