Jealousy, Relational Intrusion, and Dating Violence

skillspractice

Dealing with Jealousy

Communicating more competently when jealousy strikes

  1. Identify a situation in which your jealousy is sparked.

  2. Continue your current activities, not letting the jealousy-evoking event distract you from completing what you are doing.

  3. Avoid immediate communication with your partner.

  4. While you’re finishing what you are doing, practice the Jefferson strategy, counting to 10 or 100 until you cool off.

  5. Initiate communication with your partner, using your cooperative language skills and explaining to him or her why the event caused you to feel jealous. Solicit your partner’s perspective.

JEALOUSY

A second problem for romantic relationships is jealousy—a protective reaction to a perceived threat to a valued relationship (Hansen, 1985). Most scholars agree that jealousy isn’t a singular emotion but rather a combination of negative emotions—primarily anger, fear, and sadness (Guerrero & Andersen, 1998).

Jealousy especially plagues users of online social networking sites like Facebook. Such sites open the possibility for people other than your romantic partner to post provocative photos, write enticing posts on your wall, and send alluring messages, all of which can trigger your partner’s jealousy. Imagine how you’d feel if you saw such communication on your partner’s page. Studies of Facebook have found that jealousy is one of the most frequent problems reported by users (Morrison, Lee, Wiedmaier, & Dibble, 2008). Jealousy can intensify even further if site users engage in what communication scholar Kelly Morrison calls wedging. Through wedging, a person deliberately uses messages, photos, and posts to try and “wedge” him- or herself between partners in a romantic couple because he or she is interested in one of the partners (Morrison et al., 2008).

The most effective way to deal with jealousy is self-reliance: allowing yourself to feel jealous but not letting whatever sparked your jealousy to interrupt you. You should continue your current activities and give yourself time to cool off (Salovey & Rodin, 1988). Avoid communicating with your partner until you’re able to do so in a cooperative and constructive fashion. When you are ready to talk, don’t be afraid to candidly acknowledge your own jealousy and discuss your perception of threat with your partner: “I saw that post from your old girlfriend, and I’m worried that she wants to get back together with you. Am I reading too much into this, or should I really feel threatened?”

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focus on CULTURE: Infidelity Internationally

Infidelity Internationally

In Japan it’s called “going off the path,” and in Israel it’s “eating to the side” (Druckerman, 2007). But regardless of differences in lingo, the suffering that ensues from sexual betrayal is similar around the globe.

Wall Street Journal reporter Pamela Druckerman interviewed people in 10 different countries, gauging their infidelity attitudes and behaviors. She discovered vast cultural differences and some similarities. For example, in Japan, intricate rules of discretion guide how one cheats, whereas in Finland, people are more open in discussing and engaging in adultery. In Russia, Druckerman was struck by its sheer prevalence. One marital therapist told her, “Affairs should be obligatory, because they make for stronger marriages,” and an issue of Russian Cosmopolitan provided instructional tips to women on how to hide their betrayals from their partners.

Druckerman’s observations mirror scientific research. A study of nonmarital sex involving 24 nations and 33,000 respondents found that the top three countries in infidelity acceptance were Russia, Bulgaria, and the Czech Republic (Widmer, Treas, & Newcomb, 1998). What countries were the most infidelity intolerant? The Philippines, Ireland, and the United States.

Despite cultural differences, however, Druckerman notes at least three betrayal universals (as cited in Corner, 2007). First, across cultures, people who cheat prefer to cheat with someone who is also seriously involved, making the risks “evenly shared.” Second, cheaters typically describe themselves as “not the cheating type.” Third, regardless of cultural attitudes or prevalence, sexual betrayal almost always causes intense emotional pain and relationship distress. When asked about the lessons she learned from her study, Druckerman said, “I still very much believe in monogamy as the ideal, but I have become more realistic—or fatalistic—about it. I now think it could easily happen to me. And, if it does, I won’t automatically assume my relationship is over.”

discussion questions

  • What lessons have you learned from your culture regarding the ethics of infidelity? How have these lessons shaped your beliefs? your relationship behaviors?

  • If a partner cheated on you, would you assume that your involvement was over, or would you try to repair and rebuild your relationship? What impact would your cultural values have on your decision?

RELATIONAL INTRUSION

Sometimes romantic partners try to control you or behave in ways that invade your privacy. In mild cases, they might check up on you—talking with your friends or family to verify your whereabouts. In more extreme instances, they might search your phone or read your e-mail without permission. Such behaviors are known as relational intrusion: the violation of one’s independence and privacy by a person who desires an intimate relationship (Cupach & Spitzberg, 1998). Intrusion happens in all cultures, is equally likely to be perpetrated by men or women, and occurs both in current relationships and in those in which the partners have broken up (Lavy, Mikulincer, Shaver, & Gillath, 2009).

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Within intact romances, two forms of intrusion are common (Lavy et al., 2009). The first is monitoring and controlling. A partner may text you constantly to ensure that you are always accounted for and instruct you to be home by a certain time. He or she may follow you or hire a private investigator to conduct surveillance. People who have experienced this behavior say: “My partner wants to know where I am and what I’m doing all the time,” and “My partner does not let me meet my family or friends without him being present” (Lavy et al., 2009, p. 995). The second form of intrusion is invasion of privacy. This includes nosing or snooping through your belongings, computer, and phone, and asking overly personal and suspicious questions designed to “interrogate” you.

For romances that have ended, intrusion is symptomatic of a person’s inability to let go. Of people who report difficulty in dealing with breakups, 79 percent admit behaving intrusively (Dutton & Winstead, 2006). The most common forms of postrelationship intrusion are leaving gifts and messages for the ex-partner, expressing exaggerated levels of affection (such as giving public serenades or posting love poems), physically following the ex-partner around, and showing up uninvited at the ex-partner’s home or work. If done repeatedly, these latter behaviors may turn into stalking, which is a criminal offense.

For its recipients, relational intrusion is decidedly negative and threatening. If the relationship is intact, intrusion generates strong negative impressions, uncertainty, and relational turmoil (Lavy et al., 2009). As one victim describes, “He was acting so unfair; I no longer was sure about our relationship” (Lavy et al., 2009, p. 999). For people dealing with postrelationship intrusion, anger and fear are common responses, and the intrusion may spark a desire to seek revenge against or act violently toward the intruding partner (Lavy et al., 2009).

What makes intrusion tricky, however, is that perpetrators typically perceive their behaviors positively, as reflecting love, loyalty, or just the desire to stay in touch (Cupach & Spitzberg, 2004). Consequently, they tend to minimize or deny the harms created by their undesirable actions.

How can you best deal with intrusion? Realize first that intrusion is absolutely unacceptable and unethical. No one has the right to impose themselves on another in an unwanted fashion. If you’re on the receiving end of intrusion, talk with your partner or ex directly about his or her behavior, and firmly express your discontent and discomfort. Use “I” language, avoid “you” language, and make it clear that your privacy is being violated and that the intrusive behavior is unacceptable (“I feel really uncomfortable receiving this gift” or “I am really upset by this, and I feel that my privacy is being invaded”). Most important, keep your language respectful and polite. Avoid lashing out verbally, especially if you’re angry, as it will only escalate the situation. If the person’s behavior persists, contact local authorities to ask for help. If you find yourself engaging in intrusive behaviors, stop immediately. The fact that you view your actions as well intentioned is irrelevant. If you are making a partner or ex feel uncomfortable, you are behaving unethically. If you don’t know how to stop, seek counseling from a licensed therapist.

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DATING VIOLENCE

Scott and I became friends in grad school, when we both served as instructors with a campus karate club. Scott was originally from Southern California, where he was a kickboxing champion.4 He was 6 foot 3, was all muscle, and had a very long reach, something I learned the hard way when he caught me with an unexpected back-fist on my nose while sparring!

Soon after our friendship began, Scott met Pam, and the two fell for each other hard and fast. But within a few weeks, Scott confessed to me several concerns: Pam was extremely jealous and constantly accused him of cheating. She called him names, swore at him, and ridiculed his sexual performance. She demanded that he no longer go out with his friends, and when he refused, she threatened to leave him. Visiting him one afternoon, I was stunned to see the glass frame of his black-belt certificate shattered. “Yeah,” he admitted, “Pam threw it at me the other night.” When she learned that Scott was confiding in me, Pam told him a series of lies to alienate him from me: I had “stolen money from him,” I had “hit on her,” I was “gay and wanted him to myself” (never mind that the last two were contradictory). But Scott stayed with her until she put him in the hospital with a broken nose and third-degree burns across his face. She had demanded that he quit karate, and when he refused, she had hit him in the face with a heated clothes iron. When I asked why he didn’t fight back, or at least defend himself (given his abundant skills), he looked at me in disbelief. “I can’t hit a girl, man. I’m not that kind of guy!”

Dating violence affects millions of people, and as Scott’s story shows, despite common beliefs, dating violence knows no demographic boundaries: men and women of all ages, sexual orientations, social classes, ethnicities, and religions experience violence in romantic relationships. According to the National Center for Victims of Crimes (2008), 21 percent of college students report having experienced such violence. In addition to physical injuries (and in extreme cases, death), victims of dating violence are more likely than others to suffer from substance abuse, low self-esteem, suicidal thoughts, and eating disorders (Ackard & Neumark-Sztainer, 2002).

If you haven’t experienced a violent relationship, it’s easy to think, “Well, the person should have seen it coming!” But this is false, for at least two reasons (Eisikovits & Buchbinder, 2000). First, violence doesn’t happen all at once—it typically escalates slowly over time. Also, it often doesn’t evolve into full-blown physical violence until relationships are firmly established, making victims all that much more vulnerable because of their love and commitment. Second, potential abusers often mask their jealousy, violent anger, and excessive need for control in the early stages of a relationship, making it difficult to discern “warning signs” (see Table 10.3 for a detailed list). In Scott’s case, both of these reasons played a role in making him vulnerable. Pam seemed perfectly “normal” in the first few weeks of their relationship. She was funny, attractive, smart, and outgoing. By the time the first incidents occurred, he was already in love. And the destructiveness of her behaviors escalated slowly—starting with minor jealous tantrums, and only evolving into violence after many months. As a consequence, Scott didn’t perceive Pam’s abusiveness as particularly “severe” until she put him in the hospital.

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What should you do if you find yourself in a relationship with a violent partner? First and foremost, let go of the belief that you can “heal” your partner through love, or “save” him or her by providing emotional support. Relationship repair strategies will not prevent or cure dating violence. Your only option is to extricate yourself from the relationship. As you move toward ending the involvement, keep in mind that the most dangerous time comes immediately after you end the relationship, when the abuser is most angry. So, make sure you cut all ties to the abuser, change your phone number, and have ready a safety plan: a road map of action for departing the relationship that provides you with the utmost protection. For information on how to develop such a plan, or for help in dealing with an abusive relationship, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-SAFE, or visit www.thehotline.org.

table 10.3 Five Common Warning Signs of an Abusive Partner
An abusive partner will . . .

(1) isolate you from others

Examples: restricting your contact with friends and family, showing extreme paranoid jealousy regarding perceived romantic rivals, or telling you lies about friends and family

(2) use power to control you

Examples: insisting they make all decisions about leisure activities, including sex; exploding into anger when you “disobey” them; demanding knowledge of your whereabouts; or displaying violence, such as throwing or breaking objects

(3) frequently threaten you in various ways

Examples: threatening to leave you or hurt themselves if you leave, threatening violence against past lovers or perceived romantic rivals, threatening to lie about you to others or file false charges against you, or threatening violence

(4) use emotionally abusive language

Examples: criticizing your weight, appearance, intelligence, career, or sexual skill; calling you names; swearing at you; or ridiculing your pain when they’ve hurt you

(5) shift the blame to you

Examples: blaming you for their jealousy, violence, and destructiveness, or tricking you into behaving badly so they can exploit your guilt

Source: Adapted from “Symptoms: Indicators of Abusive Relationships,” An Abuse, Rape, and Domestic Violence Aid and Resource Collection (AARDVARC). Retrieved from www.aardvarc.org/dv/symptoms.shtml.