Structuring Effective Sentences

Good technical communication consists of clear, graceful sentences that convey information economically. This section describes seven principles for structuring effective sentences:

USE LISTS

A sentence list is a list in which the bulleted or numbered items are words, hrases, or single sentences. Figure 6.2 shows a traditional sentence and a list presenting the same information.

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image
Figure 6.2: Figure 6.2 A Traditional Sentence and a Sentence List

If you don’t have enough space to list the items vertically or if you are not permitted to do so, number the items within the sentence:

We recommend that more work on heat-exchanger performance be done (1) with a larger variety of different fuels at the same temperature, (2) with similar fuels at different temperatures, and (3) with special fuels such as diesel fuel and shale-oil-derived fuels.

EMPHASIZE NEW AND IMPORTANT INFORMATION

Sentences are often easier to understand and more emphatic if new information appears at the end. For instance, if your company has labor problems and you want to describe the possible results, structure the sentence like this:

Because of labor problems, we anticipate a three-week delay.

In this case, three-week delay is the new information.

If your readers already expect a three-week delay but don’t know the reason for it, reverse the structure:

We anticipate the three-week delay in production because of labor problems.

Here, the new and important information is labor problems.

Try not to end the sentence with qualifying information that blunts the impact of the new information.

WEAK The joint could fail under special circumstances.
IMPROVED Under special circumstances, the joint could fail.

For more about designing checklists, see “Choosing the Appropriate Kind of Graphic” in Ch. 8.

Creating Effective Lists

image

These five suggestions will help you write clearer, more effective paragraph lists and sentence lists.

  • Set off each listed item with a number, a letter, or a symbol (usually a bullet).

  • — Use numbered lists to suggest sequence (as in the steps in a set of instructions) or priority (the first item being the most important). Using numbers helps readers see the total number of items in a list. For sublists, use lowercase letters:

  1. Item

  1. subitem

  2. subitem

  1. Item
  1. subitem

  2. subitem

  • — Use bullets to avoid suggesting either sequence or priority, such as for lists of people (everyone except number 1 gets offended). For sublists, use dashes.

  • Item

  • — subitem

  • — subitem

  • — Use an open (unshaded) box (image   ) for checklists.

  • Break up long lists. Because most people can remember only 5 to 9 items easily, break up lists of 10 or more items.

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ORIGINAL LIST REVISED LIST
Tool kit: Tool kit:
  • handsaw

  • coping saw

  • hacksaw

  • compass saw

  • adjustable wrench

  • box wrench

  • Stillson wrench

  • socket wrench

  • open-end wrench

  • Allen wrench

  • Saws

  • – handsaw

  • – coping saw

  • – hacksaw

  • – compass saw

  • Wrenches

  • – adjustable wrench

  • – box wrench

  • – Stillson wrench

  • – socket wrench

  • – open-end wrench

  • – Allen wrench

  • Present the items in a parallel structure. A list is parallel if all the items have the same grammatical form. For instance, in the parallel list below, each item is a verb phrase.
NONPARALLEL PARALLEL
Here is the sequence we plan to follow: Here is the sequence we plan to follow:
  1. writing of the preliminary proposal

  2. do library research

  3. interview with the Bemco vice president

  4. first draft

  5. revision of the first draft

  6. preparing the final draft

  1. write the preliminary proposal

  2. do library research

  3. interview the Bemco vice president

  4. write the first draft

  5. revise the first draft

  6. prepare the final draft

  • Structure and punctuate the lead-in correctly. The lead-in tells readers how the list relates to the discussion and how the items in the list relate to each other. Although standards vary from one organization to another, the most common lead-in consists of a grammatically complete clause followed by a colon, as shown in the following examples:

    Following are the three main assets:

    The three main assets are as follows:

    The three main assets are the following:

    If you cannot use a grammatically complete lead-in, use a dash or no punctuation at all:

    The committee found that the employee

  • did not cause the accident
  • acted properly immediately after the accident
  • reported the accident according to procedures
  • Punctuate the list correctly. Because rules for punctuating lists vary, you should find out whether people in your organization have a preference. If not, punctuate lists as follows:

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  • — If the items are phrases, use a lowercase letter at the start. Do not use a period or a comma at the end. The space beneath the last item indicates the end of the list.

    The new facility will offer three advantages:

  • lower leasing costs
  • shorter commuting distance
  • a larger pool of potential workers
  • — If the items are complete sentences, use an uppercase letter at the start and a period at the end.

    The new facility will offer three advantages:

  • The leasing costs will be lower.
  • The commuting distance for most employees will be shorter.
  • The pool of potential workers will be larger.
  • — If the items are phrases followed by complete sentences, start each phrase with an uppercase letter and end it with a period. Begin the complete sentences with uppercase letters and end them with periods. Use italics to emphasize the phrases.

    The new facility will offer three advantages:

  • Lower leasing costs. The lease will cost $1,800 per month; currently we pay $2,300.
  • Shorter commuting distance. Our workers’ average commute of 18 minutes would drop to 14 minutes.
  • Larger pool of potential workers. In the last decade, the population has shifted westward to the area near the new facility. As a result, we would increase our potential workforce in both the semiskilled and the managerial categories by relocating.
  • — If the list consists of two kinds of items—phrases and complete sentences—capitalize each item and end it with a period.

    The new facility will offer three advantages:

  • Lower leasing costs.
  • Shorter commuting distance. Our workers’ average commute of 18 minutes would drop to 14 minutes.
  • Larger pool of potential workers. In the last decade, the population has shifted westward to the area near the new facility. As a result, we would increase our potential workforce in both the semiskilled and the managerial categories by relocating.

In most lists, the second and subsequent lines, called turnovers, align under the first letter of the first line, highlighting the bullet or number to the left of the text. This hanging indentation helps the reader see and understand the organization of the passage.

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Put references to time and space at the beginning of the sentence, where they can provide context for the main idea that the sentence expresses.

Since the last quarter of 2014, we have experienced an 8 percent turnover rate in personnel assigned to the project.

On the north side of the building, water from the leaking pipes has damaged the exterior siding and the sheetrock on some interior walls.

CHOOSE AN APPROPRIATE SENTENCE LENGTH

Sometimes sentence length affects the quality of the writing. In general, an average of 15 to 20 words per sentence is effective for most technical communication. A series of 10-word sentences would be choppy. A series of 35-word sentences would probably be too demanding. And a succession of sentences of approximately the same length would be monotonous.

In revising a draft, use your software to compute the average sentence length of a representative passage.

Avoid Overly Long Sentences How long is too long? There is no simple answer, because ease of reading depends on the vocabulary, sentence structure, and sentence length; the reader’s motivation and knowledge of the topic; the purpose of the communication; and the conventions of the application you are using. For instance, you use shorter sentences in tweets and text messages than in reports.

Often a draft will include sentences such as the following:

The construction of the new facility is scheduled to begin in March, but it might be delayed by one or even two months by winter weather conditions, which can make it impossible or nearly impossible to begin excavating the foundation.

To avoid creating such long sentences, say one thing clearly and simply before moving on to the next idea. For instance, to make this difficult 40-word sentence easier to read, divide it into two sentences:

The construction of the new facility is scheduled to begin in March. However, construction might be delayed until April or even May by winter weather conditions, which can make it impossible or nearly impossible to begin excavating the foundation.

Sometimes an overly long sentence can be fixed by creating a list (see the Guidelines box “Creating Effective Lists” in “Structuring Effective Sentences”).

Avoid Overly Short Sentences Just as sentences can be too long, they can also be too short and choppy, as in the following example:

Customarily, environmental cleanups are conducted on a “time-and-materials” (T&M) basis. Using the T&M basis, the contractor performs the work. Then the contractor bills for the hours worked and the cost of equipment and materials used during the work. With the T&M approach, spending for environmental cleanups by private and government entities has been difficult to contain. Also, actual contamination reduction has been slow.

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The problem here is that some of the sentences are choppy and contain too little information, calling readers’ attention to how the sentences are constructed rather than to what the sentences say. In cases like this, the best way to revise is to combine sentences:

Customarily, environmental cleanups are conducted on a “time-and-materials” (T&M) basis: the contractor performs the work, then bills for the hours worked and the cost of equipment and materials. With the T&M approach, spending for environmental cleanups by private and government entities has been difficult to contain, and contamination reduction has been slow.

Another problem with excessively short sentences is that they needlessly repeat key terms. Again, consider combining sentences:

SLUGGISH I have experience working with various microprocessor-based systems. Some of these microprocessor-based systems include the T90, RCA 9600, and AIM 7600.
BETTER I have experience working with various microprocessor-based systems, including the T90, RCA 9600, and AIM 7600.

FOCUS ON THE “REAL” SUBJECT

The conceptual, or “real,” subject of the sentence should also be the grammatical subject. Don’t disguise or bury the real subject in a prepositional phrase following a weak grammatical subject. In the following examples, the weak subjects obscure the real subjects. (The grammatical subjects are italicized.)

WEAK The use of this method would eliminate the problem of motor damage.
STRONG This method would eliminate the problem of motor damage.
WEAK The presence of a six-membered lactone ring was detected.
STRONG A six-membered lactone ring was detected.

In revising a draft, look for the real subject (the topic) and ask yourself whether the sentence would be more effective if the real subject was also the grammatical subject. Sometimes all that is necessary is to ask yourself this question: What is the topic of this sentence? The author of the first example above wasn’t trying to say something about using a method; she was trying to say something about the method itself. Likewise, in the second example, it wasn’t the presence of a lactone ring that was detected; rather, the lactone ring itself was detected.

Another way to make the subject of the sentence prominent is to reduce the number of grammatical expletives. Expletives are words that serve a grammatical function in a sentence but have no meaning. The most common expletives are it (generally followed by is) and there (generally followed by is or are).

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WEAK There is no alternative for us except to withdraw the product.
STRONG We have no alternative except to withdraw the product.
WEAK It is hoped that testing the evaluation copies of the software will help us make this decision.
STRONG We hope that testing the evaluation copies of the software will help us make this decision.

For more about using the passive voice, see “Choosing the Right Words and Phrases.”

The second example uses the expletive it with the passive voice. The problem is that the sentence does not make clear who is doing the hoping.

Expletives are not errors. Rather, they are conversational expressions that can clarify meaning by emphasizing the information that follows them.

WITH THE EXPLETIVE It is hard to say whether the downturn will last more than a few months.
WITHOUT THE EXPLETIVE Whether the downturn will last more than a few months is hard to say.

The second version is harder to understand because the reader has to remember a long subject (Whether the downturn will last more than a few months) before getting to the verb (is). Fortunately, you can revise the sentence in other ways to make it easier to understand and to eliminate the expletive.

I don’t know whether the downturn will last more than a few months.

Nobody knows whether the downturn will last more than a few months.

Use the search function of your word processor to locate both weak subjects (usually they precede the word of ) and expletives (search for it is, there is, and there are).

FOCUS ON THE “REAL” VERB

A “real” verb, like a “real” subject, should stand out in every sentence. A common problem in technical communication is the inappropriate use of a nominalized verb—a verb that has been changed into a noun, then coupled with a weaker verb. To install becomes to effect an installation; to analyze becomes to conduct an analysis. Notice how nominalizing the verbs makes the following sentences both awkward and unnecessarily long (the nominalized verbs are italicized).

WEAK Each preparation of the solution is done twice.
STRONG Each solution is prepared twice.
WEAK Consideration should be given to an acquisition of the properties.
STRONG We should consider acquiring the properties.

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Like expletives, nominalizations are not errors. In fact, many common nouns are nominalizations: maintenance, requirement, and analysis, for example. In addition, nominalizations often effectively summarize an idea from a previous sentence (in italics in the following extract).

The telephone-service provider decided not to replace the land lines that were damaged in the recent storm. This decision could prove a real problem for those residents who used land lines to connect to the Internet and for their medical-alert services.

Some software programs search for common nominalizations. With any word processor, however, you can identify most of them by searching for character strings such as tion, ment, sis, ence, ing, and ance, as well as the word of.

USE PARALLEL STRUCTURE

A sentence is parallel if its coordinate elements follow the same grammatical form: for example, all the clauses are either passive or active, all the verbs are either infinitives or participles, and so on. Parallel structure creates a recognizable pattern, making a sentence easier for the reader to follow. Nonparallel structure creates no such pattern, distracting and possibly confusing readers. In the following examples of nonparallel constructions, the verbs are not in the same form (verbs are italicized).

NONPARALLEL Our present system is costing us profits and reduces our productivity.
PARALLEL Our present system is costing us profits and reducing our productivity.
NONPARALLEL The compositor should follow the printed directions; do not change the originator’s work.
PARALLEL The compositor should follow the printed directions and should not change the originator’s work.

When using parallel constructions, make sure that parallel items in a series do not overlap, causing confusion or even changing the meaning of the sentence:

CONFUSING The speakers will include partners of law firms, businesspeople, and civic leaders.
Partners of appears to apply to businesspeople and civic leaders, as well as to law firms. That is, partners of carries over to the other items in the series. The following revision solves the problem by rearranging the items so that partners can apply only to law firms.
CLEAR The speakers will include businesspeople, civic leaders, and partners of law firms.
CONFUSING We need to buy more lumber, hardware, tools, and hire the subcontractors.
The writer has linked two ideas inappropriately. The first idea is that we need to buy three things: lumber, hardware, and tools. The second is that we need to hire the subcontractors. Hiring is not in the same category as the items to be bought. In other words, the writer has structured and punctuated the sentence as if it contained a four-item series, when in fact it should contain a three-item series followed by a second verb phrase.
CLEAR We need to buy more lumber, hardware, and tools, and we need to hire the subcontractors.

USE MODIFIERS EFFECTIVELY

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Modifiers are words, phrases, and clauses that describe other elements in the sentence. To make your meaning clear, you must indicate whether a modifier provides necessary information about the word or phrase it refers to (its antecedent) or whether it simply provides additional information. You must also clearly identify the antecedent—the element in the sentence that the modifier is describing or otherwise referring to.

Distinguish Between Restrictive and Nonrestrictive Modifiers As the term implies, a restrictive modifier restricts the meaning of its antecedent; it provides information that the reader needs to identify the antecedent and is, therefore, crucial to understanding the sentence. Notice that restrictive modifiers—italicized in the following examples—are not set off by commas:

The airplanes used in the exhibitions are slightly modified.

The modifying phrase used in the exhibitions identifies which airplanes the writer is referring to. Presumably, there are at least two groups of airplanes: those that are used in the exhibitions and those that are not. The restrictive modifier tells readers which of the two groups is being discussed.

Please disregard the notice you recently received from us.

The modifying phrase you recently received from us identifies which notice. Without it, the sentence could be referring to one of any number of notices.

In most cases, the restrictive modifier doesn’t require a relative pronoun, such as that, but you can choose to use the pronoun that (or who, for people):

Please disregard the notice that you recently received from us.

A nonrestrictive modifier does not restrict the meaning of its antecedent: the reader does not need the information to identify what the modifier is describing or referring to. If you omit the nonrestrictive modifier, the basic sentence retains its primary meaning.

The Hubble telescope, intended to answer fundamental questions about the origin of the universe, was last repaired in 2002.

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Here, the basic sentence is The Hubble telescope was last repaired in 2002. Removing the modifier doesn’t change the meaning of the basic sentence.

If you use a relative pronoun with a nonrestrictive modifier, choose which (or who or whom for a person).

Go to the Registration Area, which is located on the second floor.

Use commas to separate a nonrestrictive modifier from the rest of the sentence. In the example about the Hubble telescope, a pair of commas encloses the nonrestrictive modifier and separates it from the rest of the sentence. In that respect, the commas function much like parentheses, indicating that the modifying information is parenthetical. In the example about the Registration Area, the comma indicates that the modifying information is tacked on at the end of the sentence as additional information.

Avoid Misplaced Modifiers The placement of the modifier often determines the meaning of the sentence, as the placement of only in the following sentences illustrates:

Only Turner received a cost-of-living increase last year.

Meaning: Nobody else received one.

Turner received only a cost-of-living increase last year.

Meaning: He didn’t receive a merit increase.

Turner received a cost-of-living increase only last year.

Meaning: He received a cost-of-living increase as recently as last year.

Turner received a cost-of-living increase last year only.

Meaning: He received a cost-of-living increase in no other year.

Misplaced modifiers—those that appear to modify the wrong antecedent—are a common problem. Usually, the best solution is to place the modifier as close as possible to its intended antecedent.

MISPLACED The subject of the meeting is the future of geothermal energy in the downtown Webster Hotel.
CORRECT The subject of the meeting in the downtown Webster Hotel is the future of geothermal energy.

A squinting modifier falls ambiguously between two possible antecedents, so the reader cannot tell which one is being modified:

UNCLEAR We decided immediately to purchase the new system.
Did we decide immediately, or did we decide to make the purchase immediately?
CLEAR We immediately decided to purchase the new system.
CLEAR We decided to purchase the new system immediately.

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A subtle form of misplaced modification can also occur with correlative constructions, such as either . . . or, neither . . . nor, and not only . . . but also:

MISPLACED The new refrigerant not only decreases energy costs but also spoilage losses.

Here, the writer is implying that the refrigerant does at least two things to energy costs: it decreases them and then does something else to them. Unfortunately, that’s not how the sentence unfolds. The second thing the refrigerant does to energy costs never appears.

CORRECT The new refrigerant decreases not only energy costs but also spoilage losses.

In the revised sentence, the phrase decreases not only implies that at least two things will be decreased, and as the sentence develops that turns out to be the case. Decreases applies to both energy costs and spoilage losses. Therefore, the first half of the correlative construction (not only) follows the verb (decreases). Note that if the sentence contains two different verbs, each half of the correlative construction precedes a verb:

The new refrigerant not only decreases energy costs but also reduces spoilage losses.

Avoid Dangling Modifiers A dangling modifier has no antecedent in the sentence and can therefore be unclear:

DANGLING Trying to solve the problem, the instructions seemed unclear.

This sentence says that the instructions are trying to solve the problem. To correct the sentence, rewrite it, adding the clarifying information either within the modifier or next to it:

CORRECT As I was trying to solve the problem, the instructions seemed unclear.
CORRECT Trying to solve the problem, I thought the instructions seemed unclear.

Sometimes you can correct a dangling modifier by switching from the indicative mood (a statement of fact) to the imperative mood (a request or command):

DANGLING To initiate the procedure, the BEGIN button should be pushed. (indicative mood)
CORRECT To initiate the procedure, push the BEGIN button. (imperative mood)