CHAPTER 11

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Relationships and Roles

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Home at 3 a.m. from closing the restaurant and hopefully to bed by 4. Then, Jamila wakes up and gets the kids ready for school to arrive at her job at 9.

Matt’s first marriage to Clara ended in a disastrous divorce. He feels blessed to have this second chance for happiness at age 35. Matt and Jamila met at a community-wide faith celebration. They share the same values. They understand that marriage involves commitment and sacrifice. They believe that god has sanctified their marriage.

After a difficult year struggling to connect with the twins, Matt finally knows that his stepchildren see him as their real dad—he knows he would die for these precious children and more. But supporting his family means being apart more than he would like. Matt wants to make enough money to give the kids a top-notch education and allow his wife to quit her high-stress job to spend more time at home.

That’s why Matt just “supplemented” his store manager position with a weekend shift running the local health food store. Yes, the 70-plus-hour workweeks will be exhausting, but Matt is thrilled. What a blessing to find not just one, but two decently paying jobs. It’s a 24/7 struggle, but this marriage must work for life!

Do you know someone like Matt who is trying to be a caring husband, a sensitive father, and support his family? Perhaps like Jamila, you have a friend who feels overwhelmed by a high-pressure job and wants to spend more time at home with her kids. If so, you know a twenty-first-century adult.

This chapter is devoted to the main role challenges involved in being adult. Here, I’ll build on the Chapter 10 discussion of love and career by focusing directly on marriage, parenthood, and work. Before beginning your reading, you might want to take the family and work quiz in Table 11.1 on the next page. Soon you will learn why each stereotype is right or wrong.

Although I will discuss them separately, I must emphasize that we cannot look at marriage, parenthood, and career as separate. Our work situation determines if we decide to get married (recall the last chapter). Having children changes a marriage and, as with Matt, affects our feelings about our career. As developmental systems theory suggests, marriage, parenthood, and career are tri-directional, interlocking roles. Moreover, how we approach these core adult roles depends on the time in history and the society in which we live.

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