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Managing Interpersonal Relationships

W hat will make you happy? This seems to be a simple question, with obvious answers: Fame. Being remembered as someone who did something great. Or perhaps fortune. In one survey of college students, 75 percent of respondents rated “being very well off financially” as their top goal in life, and 78 percent said, “It’s important to have a beautiful home, a new car and other nice things.”¹

¹ All findings and quotes that follow adapted from Myers (2000, 2002, 2004, 2013).

Thinking about what makes you happy is important, because happiness matters. Studies show that happy people are healthier, more energized, more confident, and more socially connected than are unhappy people. Moreover, the pursuit of happiness is the driving force behind most people’s decisions: they choose colleges, majors, and careers based on what they believe will help them become happier. But there’s a catch: what people think will satisfy them often doesn’t.

What really makes people happy? Psychologist David Myers has devoted much of his career to gathering and interpreting scientific findings on enduring joy. What he has found is both obvious and surprising. Decades of research involving hundreds of studies and thousands of people in dozens of countries show that human beings are happier when they have meaningful activities to consume their time (challenging jobs, passionate hobbies), exercise regularly, have spirituality in their lives, and get sufficient sleep. It turns out that age, gender, parenthood status (whether you have kids or not), and physical attractiveness have little impact on happiness. What else doesn’t guarantee happiness? Money. As Myers describes, “Wealth is like health: its utter absence breeds misery, but having it doesn’t ensure happiness.”

But among all the factors that shape enduring joy, one leaps out as the most important in Myers’s analysis: the quality of interpersonal relationships. Consider these facts: The happiest college students are those who have satisfying romantic relationships, family bonds, friendships, and workplace attachments. People who report close interpersonal relationships are better able to cope with life’s inevitable stresses, which can range from unemployment and illness to the deaths of loved ones. In the previously noted survey of college students, most reported financial gain as their top goal; however, when asked, “What is necessary for your happiness?” they answered, “Satisfying interpersonal relationships.”

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Your life is filled with relationships—so many that you often don’t give them a second thought. Maybe you have a neighbor whom you wave to on your way to school and occasionally chat up, a barista who makes your morning coffee, a checkout clerk at the grocery store who has rung up your purchases every Sunday for years. Then there’s your inner circle of lovers, family members, friends, and coworkers—the people you consider to be close to you, and with whom you interact every day. Collectively, your connections to all these people directly determine how you feel as you go through your life. When these relationships are harmonious, you go through your days feeling happy and supported. When they fracture, your days darken with pain and sadness.

Given that satisfying interpersonal relationships are essential for your life happiness, it’s important to know how to manage these relationships in a way that best sustains them. In this chapter, you’ll learn: